Struggling

I'm lying in bed as I write. The cat is by the window and doesn't seem to care about anything. (Typical.) Ben's in the other bedroom so the cat won't wake him in the night. 

I am not ok.

Today has been a rollercoaster of emotions. I've been sliding downhill since I last wrote, but I was genuinely happy earlier today. I had an idea to share some love and warmth despite all the distance. I cleaned in the garage so I can make the apartment more cat friendly. (In other words, less easily destroyed by a cat.)

A friend asked if I wanted to talk on the phone. I declined. My day, like many of my current days, was uneventful. I don't want to complain about all the bad all the time. It hurts. My friend understood, because she gets me.

So here I am crying into my pillow. It started with thinking about my dog. Lola was supposed to move to "the city" with me to encourage me to exercise and help keep me safe, both physically and mentally. At 80 pounds, I couldn't find an apartment that would let me have her. On top of that, there are breed restrictions that don't allow for certain mixed breeds. She was the sweetest dog I ever met and we were meant for each other. Lola stayed at the farm and lived a happy life running wild.

As you can tell by my use of the past tense, Lola is no longer with us. She ran too much and too hard. Her body couldn't handle it. I was able to be home for her last night. My baby couldn't jump onto the bed; I had to lift her. Dad and I went to the vet the next morning and said our last goodbyes.

Yeah, this is emotional to me. When I told Gretel (the cat), she bit at me. That was the last straw.

I am terrified. It's not about what physically happens to me. I won't go without a fight, but I'm not afraid to die. I am scared I won't see people I love ever again. This virus doesn't discriminate. (Our system of care does...) People aren't taking this seriously. People are dying and more will die. 

This is why, no matter how stir crazy I get, I'm staying home. The normal we knew is gone. We will establish a new normal when we can, but until then, we batten down the hatches and hold tight.

Share your love. For yourself, family, friends, neighbors, strangers - spread love thick. (like peanut butter!) Take care of yourself.

Wash your hands!